Where am I now and where am I going in the next twelve months? I’m spending some days now looking at the real me, the one that was knitted together and protected and sheltered. The one carved out of hard wood, a sharp knife going around each curve and protrusion, even around the big veins on my hands.
There are things I like about myself. Things I love about myself. And of course, things I don’t. In the coming months, I hope to work on those.
There are things I wonder about. Are they flaws? Are they issues I need to work on? Or are they characteristics burned out of the fire and chiseled by the knife that others don’t like simply because they consider them out of their worldview of what a person, well, a woman should be?
I find that some of these characteristics are what I like best about myself.
Yet I find that one of my biggest flaws is knowing what some believe I should be and disliking myself because I am not that and can’t be that. This comes from my background in the church. I know I don’t have to answer to any person—only to my God. And who is it who carved those hands and around those veins and knuckles so intricately and around the wrist bone that sticks up a bit and the elbow that was once broken and around the calves on my legs, so shaped and defined and exactly like my grandmother’s and my father’s, but meant to hold my feet to the journey? I shouldn’t apologize for the person I was made to be.
Maybe in 2016 I can work on those hard, rough places I am aware of—those inner places that need more chiseling and chipping away and could stand to be smoothed out. I know where those places are. Am I resolving to walk the path alongside them and keep my eye on the goal and be the knife-edge and lay the blade down to do the work?